


Darkest Night

by theultimatefangirl2002



Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Dragon's Edge (How to Train Your Dragon), Gen, Hiccup's POV, I'm not over this, I'm so sad it's over, I'm using this as an excuse to rewatch it don't judge me, Not much hiccstrid but it's canon and there's little scenes so, Race To The Edge, Sad, Sad Hiccup, Season 6 Episode 10, Season 6 Spoilers, This episode hurt, Why are all of my HTTYD fics surrounding Stoick being hurt/dead and Hiccup being sad about it???, poor hiccup, this was so good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 15:22:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13720497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theultimatefangirl2002/pseuds/theultimatefangirl2002
Summary: Gothi stepped back as he reached the bed and Hiccup’s stomach dropped even further. He stopped, staring out at his father- bloodied and bruised with a bandage wrapped around his head, cuts on his face and arms. He looked terrible- worse than Hiccup had ever seen him look before. It was terrifying, almost scarier than the looming threat of Krogan and Johann and the Flyers and all of it- because how could Hiccup possibly fight them without his dad?!Where had that thought from from?! Hiccup thought desperately. He just looks bad- Vikings get hurt all the time, it’s an occupational hazard. He’s not dying- he’s not. He can’t be.(Remember that episode where you just want to give Hiccup a hug the entire time??? Yeah, this is that entire episode from his point of view)(RTTE SEASON 6 SPOILERS)





	Darkest Night

**Author's Note:**

> THERE ARE SEASON 6 SPOILERS PEOPLE SO IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT GO WATCH IT NOW
> 
> ALSO SIDE NOTE THIS EPISODE MADE ME SO UPSET  
> LIKE NO  
> THIS WAS NOT OKAY  
> BUT I'M SO GLAD IT HAPPENED???
> 
> (I don't own RTTE (if I did... bro, some twisted shit would go down) or the dialogue or any of that stuff, I only own my writing)

The terror mail felt so heavy in his pocket Hiccup was sure it was slowing Toothless down. Surely they could gone faster before, but he didn’t dare ask his friend to speed up- he wasn’t sure if he trusted himself to speak. He felt sick and shaky and faint, but at the moment, Hiccup didn’t care. Self-care was the last thing on his mind. He could only think one thing- _dad dad dad dad_.

 

They were almost to Berk now, but Hiccup was sure that time had somehow sped up and slowed down at the same time. The sun seemed to move faster and faster- they were wasting more and more time flying- but Berk seemed to be getting farther and farther away. It was maddening- they should be there, _he_ should be there.

 

 _Dad_.

 

Hiccup didn’t even know what had happened. There hadn’t been enough information in the letter to know what happened, but Hiccup knew it was bad. 

 

_Hiccup,_

 

_Come back immediately. Your father’s been hurt really bad. Not sure how serious. We need you here now._

 

_-Gobber_

 

The short, abruptive sentences in the letter had been what scared him the most. Gobber wasn’t known for having the best way with words, but Hiccup figured that he was needed back as soon as possible due to the lack of information in the letter. The lack of information worried him the most. _Hurt real bad. Come back immediately. Here now._ The fragments all seemed urgent and Gobber’s handwriting had been even more illegible than usual, which probably meant that his hand had been shaking. Which meant he was worried.

 

Gobber didn’t get worried unless something was really wrong.

 

 _Something was_ _really wrong_.

 

Hiccup took a deep breath, gripping the front of Toothless’s saddle even tighter. His knuckles ached, but he didn’t care- the pain kept him from spiraling into his imagination of what could possibly be waiting for him back at Berk.

 

Toothless cooed softly, tilting his head up to look back at his rider. Hiccup didn’t trust himself to meet his dragon’s gaze. He had been so focused on keeping himself put together, making sure that he seemed okay to the others because he didn’t want to hear whatever comforting words they had to say. It made it seem too serious- way too serious.

 

Because it couldn’t be… like _that_ . He couldn’t be… _dying_. Right? Hiccup would know if he was dying- and besides, he reminded himself, he was talking about Stoick the Vast, chief of Berk. His dad was the strongest and toughest person that he knew. He’d pull through.

 

He had too.

 

_But what if he didn’t?_

 

“Hiccup.” Astrid called. He glanced back, meeting her soft blue eyes. “We’re almost there.” She said, as if Hiccup didn’t know that himself. Usually he was glad for her presence- for the presence of anyone, really-, but now, he felt like he was being watched. The entire ride, he had felt their eyes staring into his back, watching him like they were worried he was about to break.

 

He nodded, looking forwards again without answering. _Your father’s been hurt really bad. Not sure how serious. We need you here now._ He forced himself to take another deep breath and tried to think about anything else- but he couldn’t, because nothing else was as important and nothing else was going to make him feel better. The war, Johann, Krogan, all those poor dragons, Viggo’s death… It felt like everything was piling up in front of him and he couldn’t do _anything_.

 

Berk seemed to materialize in front of him. His eyes widened slightly at the sight of the island- the peaceful village at sunset, as if everything was okay. Hiccup inhaled sharply, seeing the burned remains of a tree, large indents, and scraping marks on one of the sea stacks. _Dad… Oh gods dad_ … The sick feeling in the pit of his stomach deepened and he urged Toothless to go faster.

 

Hiccup was already half-off of Toothless when the dragon landed. He flung himself forwards, his heart racing as he stumbled. His house was right in front of him- _dad_ … He heard the other dragons landing behind him, but didn’t stop to look back and see them- that didn’t matter now, the only thing that mattered was his _dad_ …

 

He flung open the door, chest heaving as he looked inside the hut. The fire was out- the only light coming from a window up above, shining down on a bed, where a covered mass was lying- _dad_. Gobber and Gothi were sitting beside it, Gothi doing something Hiccup didn’t understand while Gobber looked up, trying to meet Hiccup’s gaze. He pushed back tears, forcing himself to walk forwards. To see what had happened.

 

Gothi stepped back as he reached the bed and Hiccup’s stomach dropped even further. He stopped, staring out at his father- bloodied and bruised with a bandage wrapped around his head, cuts on his face and arms. He looked terrible- worse than Hiccup had ever seen him look before. It was terrifying, almost scarier than the looming threat of Krogan and Johann and the Flyers and all of it- because how could Hiccup possibly fight them without his dad?!

 

 _Where had that thought from from?!_ Hiccup thought desperately. _He just looks bad- Vikings get hurt all the time, it’s an occupational hazard. He’s not dying- he’s_ not. _He can’t be_ . “Dad…?” His voice was soft, shaking. His father didn’t move. He didn’t respond, he didn’t go to answer- he _always_ answered… “I, uh…” Hiccup shook his head slightly, trying to think of what to ask first but suddenly every question he’d thought of on the long flight here had suddenly vanished- all he could think was _dad dad dad_ … “I don’t… I don’t understand… What happened?” He finally asked, looking to Gobber.

 

“He was out on patrol.” Gobber said solemnly, looking down at Hiccup’s father with an almost unreadable expression. “Got ambushed by Dragon Flyers.” It seemed like Hiccup’s throat closed up- _it was all his fault, it was_ his _fault_ \- “Put up one heck of a fight.”

 

A thought crossed his mind- _no one else was hurt_ \- and he barely had time to think before he spoke. “Why was he out there by himself?!” His voice cracked, his hands curling into fists as he glanced back down at the unmoving figure of his father- _oh gods_ \- and then looked back to Gobber.

 

Gobber stiffened slightly and Hiccup’s chest grew hot- night patrol always had three Vikings at the very least, so why was his dad the only one who was hurt? If night patrol had gotten ambushed, they should have been able to fight back- but his dad had been the only one out there _oh gods_ \- “Well, we were in the general vicinity, Hiccup, but you know your father. He does what he wants when he wants.” Gobber looked down at the chief and Hiccup suddenly felt guilty. Of course Gobber felt guilty- his dad was stubborn and reckless and had probably seperated himself from the group and Hiccup was just making Gobber feel bad- “We got there as soon as we could.” Gobber finished.

 

“Look, I’m sorry, Gobber.” Hiccup added quickly, trying to explain without seeming pathetic, but words failed him again. “I’m just, uh…” His eyes flitted down to his father- bloody and bruised and _oh gods_ \- “I just…”

 

“We know.” Gobber said softly, placing his hand on Hiccup’s shoulder. He felt like collapsing right then and there, crying until he couldn’t cry anymore because his father was _hurt badly by Dragon Flyers and it was all his fault he should have been there to protect him or he should have figured out and stopped the Dragon Flyers by now or he shouldn’t have gone to the Edge in the first place_ …  “We are too. We’re doing everything we can.”

 

 _Everything we can_ . That made it sound… like he was… Hiccup- to his horror- felt tears come to his eyes. He looked away from Gobber immediately, down at his feet because he couldn’t bare to look at his dad anymore. His chest felt tight, his entire body felt too tight and he had to just, he had to leave, he had to be alone to _think_ … He back up away from his father’s bed, glancing up one last time before stepping away, moving towards the door.

 

Hiccup suddenly felt like he was in a trance, as if he hadn’t slept in days and couldn’t see straight. His head felt heavy and _they’re doing everything they can to try to save his father_ \- _everything we can_. He felt the warm sun on his face, looking down to the ground as he slowly walked out of the house where he father might die.

 

A woman’s face called out, “Sending my prayers to Odin!” and Hiccup suddenly felt like he might break. _Sending prayers to Odin oh gods oh gods oh gods that meant it was bad bad bad_ -

 

As soon as he reached them, he heard all 5 of his friends try to ask him questions- each one of their voices blurring into one. “Hiccup?” “Hey, Hiccup!” “How’s Stoick?” “How is he? How’s Stoick?” He felt dizzy, sick because his father _wasn’t good_.

 

 _We’re doing everything we can_.

 

One terrible, _terrible_ thought nagged at the back of his mind, scaring him beyond belief- _What if it’s not enough?_

 

************************

 

The door slowly opened and Hiccup looked up from his father’s unmoving face to see Astrid and Gobber walking inside. Both were smiling sadly at him, which seemed to be the only expression he was getting lately. He looked back at his dad, his hands shaking as he pulled the wet cloth back from his dad’s face. He held it tightly in his hands, letting the cold water spread along his glove.

 

His father hadn’t moved. He hadn’t moved a little or opened his eyes. Sometimes Hiccup had to take his pulse just to make sure he was breathing, each time scaring him more and more because he didn’t know what he would do if he put his fingers against his dad’s throat and felt nothing.

 

A warm hand rested on his shoulder and he looked up, meeting Astrid’s sad expression. Even when she was worried, she still looked beautiful. Something nagged at the back of his mind- how could be possibly spend more time with Astrid with his dad like this? He thought she’d understand- he _hoped_ she would understand, but it made him feel like was making even more empty promises. “He’s as strong as they come, Hiccup.” She said softly. “Look, if anyone can pull through, it’s your dad.”

 

Hiccup looked back down at his dad. He knew that she was right- but what if even _he_ couldn’t pull through? It was silent for a moment- but he was glad for it. He was really just glad that she was there, that both of them were there even if Gobber wasn’t saying anything. “But while we’re on the subject…” Astrid said softly, breaking the silence after a few more moments. “We just came from the Great Hall. Everyone is looking for someone to take the lead while Stoick is…” _Dying_. “Incapacitated.”

 

“No.” Hiccup said instantly, shaking his head. He couldn’t lead with his dad like this- he wouldn’t be able to think straight and then he’d definitely mess everything up and with his luck, he’d probably start another war or something and get everyone killed. Besides, his dad would pull through. _He had too_. “No, I can’t.” He shook his head. “Not yet.”

 

“Hiccup-” Astrid started, pulling her hand up off of his shoulder.

 

He turned to face her, cutting her off because it wasn’t an option- he _couldn’t_ . “Look, I can’t give up on him so soon, Astrid!” And that’s what it was, Hiccup realized suddenly. Taking acting chief was like giving up on his dad. And Hiccup couldn’t give up on him- he _wouldn’t_. It wasn’t an option. He looked back towards his dad, biting his lip. “I just can’t.”

 

His dad hadn’t moved since he had gotten there. Hiccup, after coming back, had barely moved. He couldn’t leave his dad like this- he _couldn’t_. Part of him wondered of this had been how his father had felt when he had lost his leg. Hiccup wondered how he had dealt with it and then realized he might never get the chance to ask him.

 

Astrid and Gobber walked out. Hiccup wasn’t sure if he was grateful or angry that they’d only come in to ask him if he wanted to be acting chief while his father was _dying_. “I… guess it’s in Thor’s hands now.” Gobber’s voice was soft, but Hiccup could still hear it clearly.

 

“Which part?” Astrid asked softly.

 

“All of it.” Hiccup’s stomach turned as the door shut, locking him inside the room with his unconscious, unresponsive, maybe dying father. He shut his eyes. _Come on dad_ . He thought, reaching out and gripping his father’s hand tightly. _I need you. We all need you. But I need you the most. Please._

 

 _Please_.

 

************************

 

Sleeplessness was not a stranger to Hiccup. He often had several days in a row where he barely got any sleep, which could turn into several weeks if he wasn’t careful. It was almost always because he was thinking too much- which he tended to do all the time. The cure for insomnia for Hiccup was usually staying awake as long as he possibly could before passing out cold. Astrid usually lost her mind trying to get him to sleep, but Astrid wasn’t here.

 

Hiccup was alone, lying in his bed while his father lay downstairs with Gothi. Well, no- he wasn’t alone. Toothless was there, but Hiccup had a feeling his dragon was asleep. Either way, Hiccup’s mind was racing and it would not stop no matter what he tried.

 

He wanted to know how his father was doing, but Gothi would shoo him back upstairs because Astrid, Gothi, and Gobber had forced him up to bed because he’d been staring at his father for hours on end. It didn’t help at all- Hiccup just ended up staring at the ceiling, thinking too much.

 

 _“Think of the most important thing in the world to each of you.”_ His father had said almost one year ago. Hiccup remembered that day clearly, way back before any of this had happened. _“Ask yourselves, honestly, how far you would be willing to go to get it. What would you risk?”_ His dad’s smiling face appeared in front of him and Hiccup clearly remembered his warm, comforting hands on his shoulders as he told him the words he had so desperately wanted to hear. _“Go, lad. Find whatever it is out there that’s pulling on you. And when you find it, Berk will be right here waiting for you.”_

 

Apparently, what he’d been looking for was war. That’s all that he had found- war. Too much war and violence and fighting. Too many dead dragons and people, so much sacrifice and terror… _And because of that, his dad might not be waiting for him_.

 

It was his fault. All of it.

 

His dad might die and it would all be his fault. Hiccup would have been responsible for both of his parents deaths- because apparently his mom had been trying to save him from a dragon and been killed too. He was responsible for Viggo’s death too, and countless other villagers over the many years.

 

Hiccup couldn’t be chief. He wasn’t ready- he was still making terrible mistakes that a chief could not make. He wasn’t ready, he couldn’t do it…

 

 _“Always remember,”_ His father’s voice said in the back of his mind. _“The needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few.”_

 

Slowly, Hiccup opened his eyes. His chest ached and he felt claustrophobic, despite all of the space around him. He pushed the blanket off of him, slowly sitting up. Toothless looked up too, cocking his head as he looked at him. Hiccup sighed, standing up. He couldn’t stay in this house any longer.

 

 

************************

 

The Great Hall was empty except for Hiccup and Toothless, which was nice. It was silent except for Toothless’s occasional footsteps and the crackling of the fire in front of him. It was nice to get out of the house too, but it also made Hiccup more anxious than ever because if anything happened with dad while he was away, Hiccup wouldn’t know about it until the rest of the village had started to shout.

 

Hiccup sighed, pulling his arms around himself as he stared into the fire, the heat brushing against his face. He felt like he was overheating, but he didn’t know if he had the energy or will to move. Toothless brushed his head against Hiccup’s arm, obviously trying to make him feel better. Hiccup appreciated the effort, but it just… it didn’t feel right. He couldn’t try to be happy when his father might not even open his eyes again.

 

Wow. He hadn't thought about it like that.

 

Toothless grabbed the cup off the table in front of Hiccup, sticking his tongue into it and holding it up, smiling. Hiccup sighed, laughing a little- but it wasn’t a real laugh. “Not… not now, bud…” Toothless spit the cup out of his mouth as Hiccup dropped his head into his arms, resting his forehead on his forearms before lifting his head back up, feeling bad because Toothless was trying but Hiccup didn’t think he could try back. “I appreciate the effort, but just… not now.” Toothless gave a soft grunt and rested his head on the table beside Hiccup’s arms, looking sadly up at him.

 

Hiccup took a deep breath. He wondered if maybe saying everything out loud would help- or maybe it would just make him feel crazy. Either way, anything would feel better than the tight feeling in his chest that just kept pressing harder and harder… “Time is running out with these Flyers… But how can I leave my dad? He wouldn’t leave my side…” Hiccup sighed, his thoughts running laps in his head. “And- and- and-” Hiccup stammered, “And what if he were to… you know…” He shut his eyes, hating that he’d even say it. It was one thing to think it- but saying it out loud made it seem like a real possibility. “And I wasn’t here?” Hiccup looked back out at the fire, the tight feeling in his chest getting worse. “I-I-I’d never forgive myself…” He admitted, shutting his eyes. _Not that he would forgive himself for this anyways_.

 

“You know he’ll pull through, Hiccup.” Astrid said from behind him, startling him. Hiccup turned his head, watching as all of his friends walked into the Great Hall. In a flash of panic, he wondered how much they’d overheard. “He’s _Stoick_.” She finished, stating it like it was an obvious fact. But Hiccup knew that Stoick was human- as alien-like as he seemed at times.

 

“None of us could sleep either.” Fishlegs said softly as they all filed in around the table Hiccup was sitting at.

 

Astrid sat down beside him, her hand resting on his shoulder as she met his gaze with wide, sad eyes. “You know you can’t blame yourself for this, right?” She asked. Hiccup looked down, wondering how she had gotten to be able to read his thoughts so well.

 

“Sure, he can.” Ruffnut said obviously. Hiccup looked up, his heart stopping- because if the twins were able to think like that, then obviously the others could too. All of Berk could and what would they do when they realized that this was all his fault?! Would they even want him as acting chief? Would they exile him- oh god, what if they exiled him because he didn’t protect the chief or did something to cause the attack?! “If he never left for Dragon’s Edge,” Ruff kept talking, “he’d have been able to protect his dad.”

 

Tuff sat on the table across from Hiccup, feeding off of his sister’s words. “His selfish decisions are the central cause of all of this pain.” He said as if it was clear as day.

 

Hiccup looked down, the guilt pressed harder on his chest. _It was his fault his fault hisfault_ … Astrid stood up beside him and Hiccup looked up, seeing her angry expression faced out at the twins. It was kind of impressive- she cared about him so much that she tried to protect him from the truth.

 

“However,” Ruff said before Astrid could say anything, “if we’d never gone to the Edge, things would have been worse.”

 

 _Worse?!_ Hiccup felt like laughing. How could this be _any_ worse?! They were stuck in a war that seemed impossible to win against someone who used to be their friend. They were facing people riding controlled, enslaved dragons _except_ for the one person they needed to knock off their dragon the most, who had somehow bonded with his. These Dragon Flyers were so persistent and angry that they’d attack Berk and anyone that Hiccup cared about. Viggo had died to save Hiccup from them and almost everyone that Hiccup knew had been endangered because of this stupid,  _stupid_  war.

 

“And we would’ve ended up in the same place anyway.” Tuff added.

 

“How’s that?” Hiccup found himself asking, his tone monotonous and almost... dead. He hated thinking that.

 

The twins shared a devious smile and Hiccup cursed himself for asking. “We were hoping you’d ask.” Ruff said, grinning in that way that made you worried for your safety and the safety of those around you.

 

“Two words, one exclamation point.” Tuff spread his hands out, waving his fingers dramatically. “‘Full Loki’!” The twins began to explain how the two of them believed if they had not gone out to the Edge, then the village would have descended into full-blown chaos due to everyone ‘Loki’ing each other- so much chaos that the Flyers would invade and capture everyone easily. It was ridiculous and stupid and pointless. “And that, ladies and gents,” Tuff finished what felt like hours later, “is why you never wanna go ‘Full Loki’. Point is, leaving Berk for the Edge was a great idea.” He jumped off of Ruffnut’s shoulders, where he had gone to give the story ‘full effect’ or something like that. “We would've torn this place apart from the inside out and gotten slaughtered in the process.”

 

Hiccup looked over at Astrid, who looked as unimpressed as he felt. She met his gaze and sighed before looking out to the twins. _At least something is normal_ . Hiccup found himself thinking. _The twins are still as ridiculous as usual_.

 

“That is a ridiculous scenario!” Fishlegs protested. “We are too refined a people to stoop to such foolishness and trickery. Had we stayed on Berk, things would have been the polar opposite from what the twins described.” Tuff groaned, rolling his eyes. Fishlegs smiled, as if he’d put a lot of thought into this. Oh gods- _had_ he? Had they even wanted to go out to the Edge in the first place? “Peaceful. Civilized…” He seemed to drift off into a daze. “We would have all be one. One with the earth, the sky, the moon, the dragons and… most importantly… each other. “ He began to talk in present tense, his eyes shut, as if he were inside this world he had created at that very moment. “War are a distant thing of the past. Dragons have no need to even use their powers. Even our fearless leader understands the most important lesson one could teach his people is the pursuit of knowledge, meditation, and restraint…”

 

Hiccup looked down at the ground. _In all of these other scenarios, his father was okay. Except for the one in front of them- reality._ Of course that’s how it worked- the one decision that Hiccup made that he thought had benefited them all actually was the one situation where everything was the most messed up and broken.

 

“Buuuut…” Snotlout interrupted Fishlegs, drawing Hiccup’s attention again. “We’re Vikings and the Dragon Flyer’s come in anyways and attack our so-called ‘peaceful village’ and cause major chaos and destruction because we never figured out that Trader Johann was _actually_ a traitor the whole time, and thennnn-”

 

“Hey, hey, hey!” Fishlegs said quickly, cutting off Snotlout. “That’s not how it ends!”

 

Snotlout rolled his eyes. “Oh, sure, it is. We’re Vikings. We fight. We pillage. We take advantage of the weak. It’s in our nature.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Fishlegs crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow. “Alright. Okay. If you’re such a soothsayer, what would’ve happened in your-”

 

“ _Oh_ , I couldn’t wait for you to ask, Fishface.” Snotlout grinned widely. Hiccup glared at him, his heart beginning to pound. Why were they wasting time imagining what could have been when they had several serious problems staring them in the face? They were just wasting time- this wasn’t productive at all. It wasn’t helping Berk. It wasn’t helping the war. It sure wasn’t helping his dad. “If memory serves me- and it does- before we left the Edge, I was Berk’s official weapon tester which means I probably would’ve been promoted to Berk’s official weapons inventor.”

 

Snotlout leaned back, his feet propped up on Hookfang’s head. “I can see it so clearly… I would have created the greatest weapon known to man. A superweapon…” He grinned, which was stupid because this wasn’t real and it didn’t _matter_ . “Gobber would have been in awe… It would have been… the Mace-Axe-Sword.” He held his hands out as if he were presenting this ‘superweapon’. “I would have been loved by everyone, I’d finally have my own golden statue in the plaza and my dad and I would have the perfect communication skills that he’s clearly lacking and _all_ the girls would fall at my feet, swooning and wishing to be my bride- especially you, Astrid.” Hiccup felt Astrid tense beside him and the annoyance that had been bubbling in his stomach grew into anger. “And then-”

 

Astrid stood up quickly and pushed Snotlout over. He fell to the ground and Astrid crossed her arms, shaking her head. “That is the most preposterous story I’ve ever heard.”

 

Snotlout pointed at Astrid accusingly. “Says you, nay-sayer! ‘Astrid the Dream-Crusher’.” _Actually it should be Hiccup the Dream-Crusher_ . Hiccup thought bitterly. _Since they all clearly would rather be living in their own fictional worlds where they never even want to the Edge which was, oh- of course!-, his idea._ Snotlout got to his feet, crossing his arms again. “You clowns just don’t understand how the course of history is changed with one simple stroke of the old paint brush.” He added dramatically, which only fueled Hiccup’s growing anger.

 

“Nope.” Fishlegs shook his head. “You don’t understand that a dragon can’t change it’s scales.”

 

Snotlout’s tone rose. “What are you _talking_ about? Hookfang’s scales change every time he molts.”

 

“It’s a metaphor. A figure of speech. Not literal.” Fishlegs said. His voice had risen to, becoming louder and louder until it echoed through Hiccup’s head like a bell.

 

“Okay, keep your witch-trickery to yourself.” Snotlout walked over to Fishlegs, their voices joining each others in Hiccup’s mind like hammers slamming against his brain.

 

Fishlegs scoffed, annoyed as if this was the biggest problem that they were facing- not the fact that they were in the middle of a seemingly endless war and oh, maybe the fact that Stoick was _dying?!_ “It’s not trickery! It’s _English_!”

 

Hiccup snapped, shooting to his feet. “ENOUGH! All of you! _Enough_ !” Everyone fell silent immediately, turning to look at Hiccup as if he were some exhibit in a zoo. “This is all _pointless_! It doesn’t matter if we stayed or left!” He was yelling, Hiccup vaguely realized. He'd suddenly throw his composure out the window.

 

Tuffnut cut him off before he could go any further. “I thought that was the game we were playing. You know, ‘What happened if we had never left?’”

 

The word game rang through Hiccup’s mind like a bell. He clenched his hands together, his nails pressed so hard into the palm of his hand that it hurt. “It’s not a _game_ , Tuffnut! It’s not a dream! It’s not a way of life. It’s _reality_ .” He glared up at the group of people around him, wondering how they could possibly be so _insensitive_ , arguing about such stupid petty things when they had huge problems on their plates. Wondering how each of them could have so clearly planned out imaginary worlds where they hadn’t listened to Hiccup, where they hadn’t gone out to the Edge and discovered the whole new world at the tips of their fingers. Where Hiccup’s dad wasn’t dying. “It actually _happened_ . We trained the dragons, we left Berk, and my father is on his _deathbed because of it_ ! Because of _me_.” The words were out before he could stop them.

 

Silence settled over the group for a moment, all of them looking at Hiccup with concern but now that he had started talking, he didn’t think he could stop. He didn’t _want_ to stop. “None of this would have happened- and I mean _none of it_ \- if I had never shot down Toothless in the first place.” He looked over at Toothless, his mouth moving faster than his mind could keep up with.

 

Toothless growled slightly, his eyes wide as he stared up at Hiccup. He knew that he should have felt guilty- he should have… felt _something_ other than the anger and annoyance that felt like a fire burning in his chest. But he didn’t. “You know it.” Hiccup spat out before looking back at the group of his friends surrounding him. “I know it. Berk knows it. _Everyone_ knows it!” Toothless gave a small growl again and Hiccup looked over, his eyes meeting the wide, sad ones of his friend. There was a tense silence and Hiccup saw a look of… recognition in his dragon's eye. Understanding. He shut his eyes for a moment before looking out at everyone in front of him. He pointed at Toothless. “Even _he_ knows it!”

 

Suddenly, his stomach cramped and the nauseous feeling that had gone away returned. Hiccup bit his lip hard as he turned away, unable to stay in the too-hot room for another second with the others, unable to be around _anyone_ … He felt so claustrophobic and hot and _his dad was dying and it was all his fault his fault hisfault and everyone_ knew…  

 

Everyone knew.

 

 

************************

 

The cold night air felt good on his face. He could smell the salt from the sea, watch as the waves gently rocked up and down across the otherwise glacy surface, and just… breathe. He had dug crescent moons into his palms over the course of the past few days and they were throbbing, but Hiccup didn’t really mind. He just… suddenly, after the sudden spurt of anger and aggression, he just felt so _numb_.

 

He shut his eyes as a soft breeze blew his hair away from his face. It was nice, being alone outside where he could just think without being interrupted. It was easier for him to think outside, especially when he was alone. But Hiccup knew that he wouldn’t be for long- it was only a matter of minutes before someone found him and tried to talk to him. He already had his response ready- “I need some time to think and be alone” or something like that. Unless it was Toothless, who would probably just lay down and sit with him.

 

He just… didn’t want to deal with what he’d said. Not yet.

 

There was a soft coo next to him. Hiccup turned his head as Toothless sat down beside him. Hiccup felt a flash of guilt. “I’m sorry, bud. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.” He said softly. Toothless rested his head in Hiccup’s lap, whimpering softly as he did. Hiccup rested his hand on top of his friend’s head. “You know I’ll never regret shooting you down, bud.” Toothless opened his eyes, looking up at him questioningly. Hiccup shut his eyes, smiling a little despite himself and the numb feeling that was residing in his chest. “Actually, that didn’t come out right either.”

 

For a moment, it was silent- just Hiccup and his dragon sitting by the sea. It was nice, but Hiccup didn’t really think that much about what to do or how to fix… any of the many problems that he’d made happen. He just kept replaying those last few moments over and over again in his head- when he’d just… snapped. Hiccup liked to think he kept composed most of the time, that he kept his feelings in check and always tried to think logically. But… he had just lost it in front of all of them.

 

 _Some leader he’d be_ , Hiccup thought, shutting his eyes. _A leader needs to stay strong for his people_. He wasn’t sure if his dad had told him that one or if it was something that he had just collected over the years. Either way, it was important to stay strong and not show fear. Both of which Hiccup had just abandoned back there.

 

He heard footsteps coming up on the other side of him. He glanced back, seeing Astrid. He shut his eyes, turning back out to face the sea. “Astrid, I- I need some time to think.” He said softly. “I just want to be left alone.” It sounded pathetic and childish, Hiccup realized.

 

Astrid sat down anyways. “Just… hear me out.” Hiccup didn’t say anything, which she apparently took as a ‘go-ahead’ on whatever inspiration speech she had planned. “You and Toothless came together for a very specific reason at a very specific time. If you hadn’t shot him down, I mean, think about where you would be. Think about where we would _all_ be.”

 

 _I’d be dead_ . Hiccup thought immediately. _Probably dead. Or exiled. No- definitely either dead or still “the embarrassment of Berk”._ He had almost forgotten what that had felt like before this had happened. Now it all felt clear, as if embarrassment had become pride only yesterday.

 

Astrid began to talk softly, spinning a tale where Hiccup the Useless somehow lived to be 18, still having not killed a dragon, living a boring life with no real friends- bullied by Snotlout, the tense relationship with his father, pushed around and ignored by _everyone_ … But then, somehow, the same sequence of events that happened 4 years ago happened again- Hiccup finding, shooting down (sort of) Toothless, freeing him, bonding with him… And they ended up the same way- saving the village, bonded because of a shortage of limbs, celebrated by the everyone… It was all the same… Like… Like it was supposed to be.

 

Hiccup couldn’t imagine a world without Toothless in it. And he shouldn’t ever have too. Hiccup looked down at the dragon’s head in his lap and smiled a little before another thought came into his mind. _The needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few_. His dad would want him to help, to defeat the Flyers. Hiccup sighed deeply, understanding what he had to do.

 

“Why does he have to have one leg?” Tuff asked. Hiccup glanced over, seeing the rest of the gang standing nearby. He hadn’t even realized they were over there.

 

“Yeah,” Ruff crossed her arms, looking at Astrid. “You couldn’t have given old H a break?”

 

“Can a brother get a leg up in this place?” Tuff raised an eyebrow. “Hmm?”

 

Hiccup stood up, realizing that the tight, numb feeling that had settled over his chest had disappeared. “No, Tuff, I can’t.” He said, looking around at Berk- the Berk that he had helped create and save. It was crazy to think that just a few years ago, this place had been a war zone- Viking against dragon instead of Viking and dragon working together as they did now… and Hiccup had helped do that. If he hadn’t shot down Toothless, who knows where they would all be at? Would they still be at war with the dragons? Would the dragons have wiped them out? Or would the Vikings have wiped the dragons out?

 

“What kind of messed-up yak dung is that?” Tuff protested, crossing his arms. “It’s a made up story! You can change things.”

 

Fishlegs sighed. “She’s telling him that he’s exactly where he’s supposed to be, and so is Toothless.”

 

Hiccup nodded. “We all are.” He said before looking out at the rest of them. There were a million things he wanted to say- especially apologizing for losing his composure earlier, but he figured that Astrid would smack him if he tried to apologize. “Look, even if things had started out differently, I’d still be out there fighting for dragons, and we all would have ended up right here.”

 

“Oh, _great_!” Snotlout rolled his eyes sarcastically, crossing his arms. “Okay, so you’re the hero no matter what, and I’m the muttonhead.” There was a murmur of agreement, which caused Snotlout to cross his arms further and pout. “Shut up, everybody.”

 

Hiccup laughed a little, shaking his head a little. He turned towards Astrid, who met his gaze. “Thank you.” He said softly before stepped forwards, pulling her into his chest. Her arms wrapped around him and she just smiled at him- he could just tell she was smiling, which somehow made him feel even better. He pulled back, his hands resting on her shoulders. “Thank all of you.” He added, looking out at the rest of his friends. “For tonight. For everything…” It sounded cheesy and kind of stupid, but… Hiccup felt like he had to say it. As annoying and hard to work with as most of them could be, all of them had helped him more than they could ever know.

 

“Like our third cousin twice removed, Sad Larry, always used to say…” Tuff gestured towards Ruff, who finished her brothers sentence. “‘If you see a sheep on a hill, it’s not worth the struggle.’”

 

Silence, as all of them tried to make some connection- but, as usual, none of them could figure out what the twins meant. “‘Kay…” Hiccup said eventually. “So, uh… What do you say we get out of here, huh?” He looked out at his friends, all of whom were smiling at him now. He took a deep breath, already planning out his words. “I’ll meet you at the training grounds. I’ve got one last thing I need to do.”

 

************************

 

_I’m not giving up on you, Dad._

_But I’ve got to stop Johann and the Flyers, or none of this will matter._

_You keep fighting._

_You’re not done yet._

_Berk needs you._

_I need you._

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I hope this was okay and sort of made sense? I'm just v excited RTTE ruins my mind for a few days thank GOD its the weekend!!!!
> 
> So yeah I'm living because like Race to the Edge man (I binged it all this morning) but like... oh my GOD this episode was a lot to handle. There were sO many feels and it was... ugh it was a LOT... also like Hiccup's breakdown halfway through the episode was so upsetting??? Like holy crap... I hope I did okay writing it lol Hiccup is my main man and I love him to pieces so I hope that I portrayed him okay!!
> 
> (also this was not just a way for me to justify rewatching this episode haha no what are you TALKING about??)
> 
> Also I can't believe RTTE is over??? Like no??? Please no??? I require much more to survive??? 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!!
> 
> ALSO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A FULL-BLOWN FREAK OUT/CONVERSATION ABOUT THIS SEASON BECAUSE I AM D Y I N G


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